


Through the Darkness

by blakefancier



Category: Simon and Simon (TV)
Genre: Incest, M/M, partner rape, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-08
Updated: 2011-05-08
Packaged: 2017-10-19 04:08:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/196696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blakefancier/pseuds/blakefancier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AJ doesn't know why Rick hurt him, but he's determined to find out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Through the Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, here I go. This story gets into incest, rape, physical and emotional abuse. If you don't like those kinds of stories and/or don't want to think about our boys in those sorts of situations, don't read it. This is not, by my definition, a slash story. Anyway, YMMV.

Maybe it was the gunshot, or maybe it was his screams, but whatever it was, it hadn’t taken them long to appear. They had to pry him from the body and give him a mild sedative to calm him. They tried to ask him what happened, speaking carefully as if to a child, but he just stared at the corpse.

The said it was shock and in frustration sent him to the hospital to be checked out. The doctor was thorough, and noticing the bruises and abrasions, more questions were asked of him. He shook his head and turned away.

He heard his mother speaking in the waiting room and he felt his body flush hot with shame. The he heard another voice, Abby. He climbed up on the examining table and pressed palms to his eyes. Now they would know, they all would, and they would condemn him and his brother. But no, maybe they wouldn’t. He would listen and wait.

“—noticed bruising and swelling consistent with prolonged physical and sexual abuse. He’s unresponsive to my questions but that’s not unusual in these cases.”

“Do you want to keep him here, doctor?” his mother asked.

“I can prescribe him antibiotics in case of infection but other than that it would probably be best if he went home. That’s about all I can do for him, the rest just needs time. I can also give you the name of several psychiatrists who specialize in male rape cases.”

“Thank you, doctor.” His mother again. “I’d like to see my son now.”

“Right this way.”

The curtain was pushed back and his mother stepped through, the doctor and Abby right behind her. She ran a hand through is hair and kissed his forehead. “AJ.”

It was just his name, but the way she said it brought all the emotions rushing into a lump in his throat. “Mom, Rick…” He wrapped his arms about himself and bent as if in pain.

“I know, honey, I know.” She cradled his head against her chest, crooning softly.

“I want to go home, Mom. I just want to go home.” Then he could sleep and forget, forget about what he saw, what he did, and what was done to him.

“I wish you could, AJ, but we need to talk to you at the precinct.” Abby, he had almost forgotten that she was there.

“Fine, I just want to get this over with.” AJ took a deep breath and pulled away from his mother.

They guided him through the hospital and into the car. It was a silent ride; it was as if they were afraid he would shatter if they spoke. They didn’t know that he was already in a million pieces. He stared out the window, watching the coming dawn without interest, the images of what had happened that night, blinding him to everything else.

They didn’t take him to the interrogation room, and for that he was glad. Those rooms were always so badly lit that they made him nervous. Instead they went into Abby’s office.

A nice familiar place, he thought bitterly. As if I’m the victim here.

“Would you like some coffee, AJ?” Abby sat next to him on the couch. She wanted to touch him, he could tell. What was she afraid of?

“No, I’m fine.” He shuddered and tried to make himself as small as possible.

His mother sat on the other side of him and took his hand in hers. She squeezed it gently and smiled.

“Tell me what happened tonight. What happened to Rick?” Her voice was soft but he knew that trick. Cops loved to use false compassion in order to coerce a confession.

“He killed himself. He had a gun and…” He noticed that he floor needed a good mopping. He’d have to tell Abby about that later. “I came in, Rick was sitting down. He had a gun in his hand. He said he couldn’t do it anymore. He said that he was sorry. Then he put the gun in his mouth.” AJ could taste the bile flooding into his mouth and he knew that if he continued that he would be sick. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Is Rick the one—is Rick the one who raped you, AJ?” Her voice was still soft, but he knew that she didn’t believe him.

“I did not kill Rick.” He shook his head violently.

“No one is saying that you did. But, AJ, if Rick was the one who was hurting you, you must have thought about it.”

“Abby!” His mother’s voice was sharp.

“I have to ask these questions.”

“It’s all right, Mom.” He got up and went to Abby’s desk. The wood beneath his fingers was smooth and cool. “He didn’t hurt me. Rick loved me.”

“What about the bruises, AJ?”

“He had to. Someone was making him do it. He told me before he died that, that was why he was doing it, so they couldn’t make him hurt me anymore.” His throat was dry and now he wished he had taken that offer for coffee. “Rick wouldn’t hurt me.”

“But he did, AJ, he did hurt you.”

“No, no, he didn’t hurt me.” He spun around to look at Abby. “He loved me, he loved me so much. He said it hurt sometimes, all that love, that he had to express it.”

“I thought you said someone was making him do it?”

“I did.” He stopped, confused. “Sometimes he hit me, sometimes when we were in bed… They made him—they made him do that. But there were times, times when it was good. He tried not to hurt me if he could help it, even when that’s what they wanted.”

They didn’t understand, not Abby, not his mother. He could see it in their eyes, the pity they felt for him, and the anger they felt at Rick. But it wasn’t Rick’s fault.

“AJ—“ Abby stood and reached for him.

“No!” He walked to the door. “Someone did this to Rick, someone pushed him to this. I’m going to find them, Abby, whether you believe me or not. And when I do, I’m going to make them pay. Now are you going to charge me with something? Because if you’re not, I’m leaving.”

“You need help, AJ.”

“Maybe.” He could feel the tears burning in his eyes and he blinked several times. “Maybe I do need help, but not from you. Not from any of you.”

The door echoed as he slammed it behind him. All eyes were on him as he walked through the precinct. He didn’t care, let them watch. He would prove to them that Rick was not a monster. He would.

His mother came out a few minutes later and he got into the car. Abby understood, she said, after everything he needed time. They could finish the discussion tomorrow, if he’d just come by.

“AJ?” His mother’s voice was hesitant. “Did Rick really do that to you?”

He turned away from her and pressed his forehead against the cool glass of the window.

“How long, AJ, how long?” Her voiced had thickened, whether from anger or tears, he didn’t know. He didn’t want to know.

“Six months.” If he closed is eyes he could still remember that night, that terrible night.

**********

Someone was pounding on his door. Pounding so hard he had thought that it must have woken some of his neighbors. Bad enough it had woke him. He had glanced at the clock: 3am. Someone better have a good reason for waking him at this hour. It was probably Rick. He put on his robe and stumbled out, hitting his shin several times before getting to the door.

“All right, all right, I’m coming.” He fumbled with the locks and pulled the door open. He was right, it was his brother. “Rick, do you know what time it is? Why didn’t you use your key? If the neighbors complain, you are going to apologize. Do you understand, you, not me.”

Irritated and half asleep, Rick caught him completely off guard when his fist impacted with AJ’s jaw and knocked him cold.

When he finally came to, he was in one of the strangest positions that he ever expected to be in. Rick had handcuffed his hands behind his back and had dumped him on his bed face down. Rick was leaning against the wall watching him.

“What the hell is going on, Rick? Uncuff me, now!” He began wiggling on the bed, trying to put himself in a less vulnerable position. “Come on, Rick, this isn’t funny.”

Rick moved forward and sat next to AJ. His hands began to slowly stroke AJ’s hair. “Have I told you lately how beautiful you are, kid?”

AJ rocked over to his side and looked up at his brother. “Are you drunk? Come on, Rick, unlock the cuffs, I’m serious. You’re really starting to freak me out.”

Rick’s hand moved from his hair down along his jaw to cup his chin. His thumb rubbed AJ’s lips. “I’d never hurt you, AJ.” His hand stroked AJ’s neck, then went lower and began unbuttoning his pajama top.

“What are you doing?” It came out a breathless whisper as he watched his brother’s fingers run up and down his chest. The fingers slid down to his belly and stroked slowly, seductively. Suddenly panic set it. “No! Stop it, Rick, stop!” He bucked; trying to get his legs up so he could kick.

Rick grabbed his hair and pulled him up so that he was kneeling. Then Rick lifted his hand and slapped him. He cried out, tears coming to his eyes from the pain. His head was jerked back so that his neck was exposed. Warm lips pressed against his Adam’s apple, mustache tickling skin.

He closed his eyes, trying to swallow against the lump in his throat. This wasn’t happening, it couldn’t be happening. It was a nightmare, he’d wake up soon or the alarm would go off. “Don’t do this, Rick. Please don’t do this. I’m your brother.”

Rick’s mouth traveled lower to his chest. He tongue laved one nipple, and then sucked it gently until it hardened, before moving on to the other. AJ sobbed and shoved his body forward to push Rick away.

“Ouch, you little-- ” The slap was harder this time and he could taste blood in his mouth from a split lip. Then Rick pulled his body close so that they were chest to chest. One hand was still in his hair, the other cupped his ass.

He could feel Rick’s erection pressing into his belly, his jeans only helping to make it more evident. Rick began nuzzling his ear, using his tongue to trace its curve. He struggled again, his breath coming in frantic gasps. He wanted to cry, to scream, to beg Rick to stop.

God, Rick, please stop.

Rick chuckled softly. “Do that wiggle again, I like that.”

He sobbed. “Rick, please, no. Please.”

“You want this, AJ, don’t lie to yourself. Don’t you think I see it, the way you want me. It’s in the way you look at me, in the way you touch me.”

“No.” AJ tried to shake his head. It wasn’t true.

“Yes.” Rick’s hand moved from his ass to the front of his pajama bottoms. He squeezed gently. “Then why are you hard?”

To his horror and shame he realized that he was. But he didn’t want it, didn’t want Rick that way. He felt tears escape his eyes to slide down his cheeks. “I don’t, I don’t.”

Rick moved so that there mouths were close. “You do, yes you do.”

Rick pressed his lips to his, a kiss. AJ shuddered when he felt Rick’s tongue lick his mouth. Then he felt it, cold metal against his temple. He moaned fearfully, knowing it was a gun. Rick took advantage and shoved is tongue into his mouth. AJ wanted to gag at the questing tongue, to pull away from the lips that crushed and bruised.

Rick broke the kiss and brought the muzzle of the gun to AJ’s mouth. “You’re gonna do everything I tell you to do. And when’s it’s over, you’re not gonna tell anybody. Because if you do, AJ, I will kill you, then I’ll go over to Mom’s and…well, just use your imagination. Do you understand? Say, ‘Yes, Rick, I understand’ or I’ll blow your brains out.”

AJ tried to nod. “Y-yes, Rick, I understand.”

“Good boy.” Then Rick turned and shoved him so that he was face down on the bed again.

He pressed his face into the pillows and began to cry in earnest. He could feel Rick’s hands pressed against his sides. Then he felt those hands, those callused hands that had touched him a million times, strip his bottom half of clothes.

Oh God, oh God, oh God, he was going to be sick. But he didn’t want to die. He didn’t know this man who was here with him now. This wasn’t his brother, it couldn’t be. This man would pull the trigger, this man would kill him.

He felt Rick part his ass cheeks, then something wet and warm probed the opening there. AJ clenched his hands into fists, feeling the cuffs bite into flesh. He welcomed the pain, anything to distract him from the invasion his body was suffering.

It stopped suddenly, and for a few moments there was nothing. He tensed, waiting for what was next. Then it came; Rick’s hands moved his thighs apart, exposing him. He felt it press up against him, pushing into him.

He screamed into the pillow, his legs scrambled against the sheets, trying to push his body away from the pain. Rick stopped him, grasping his hips and shoving into him.

Then he heard Rick’s voice, strained and panting, telling him to relax, that it would hurt less if he just relaxed.

He wanted to tell Rick that he was trying, but then his brother started to thrust into him and the pain worsened.

His erection had faded when Rick had entered him but now he felt it returning. His stomach turned with shame and some logical corner of his mind tried to tell him that it was an automatic response that had nothing to do with pleasure.

He wanted to believe, almost convinced himself when he felt Rick’s breath against his ear.

“Ah, God, AJ, you’re so tight. Little brother, you’re such a good fuck, has anyone ever told you that?”

AJ tried to ignore the words that were whispered into his ear but they kept coming, cutting him like razors. But soon, almost thankfully, they were gone, replaced by moans and grunts as Rick sped up.

Three thrusts later and warmth flooded into him. His body, his traitorous body, seemed to enjoy that, because a moment later pleasure rushed through him and he came.

“Well, I guess you did want it after all.”

Cold. After that statement a coldness froze him inside. He made no move as Rick slid out of him. Shock, his mind said, you’re in shock. He watched as Rick picked up a syringe from his bedside table.

“I’m sorry, kid, but I have to do this. I have to. Hey, don’t cry.” Rick wiped his cheeks.

Crying, was he crying? Well, it didn’t matter, he could cry and nothing would change.

He winced as the syringe was slid into his arm and then he fell away into unconsciousness.

**********

“AJ, we’re home.”

He jerked, startled from his memories. “Right.”

She stopped him with a hand. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“I know you’re angry with me. I should have known. I should have protected you.”

He laughed. “I’m not a child, Mother. Rick didn’t do anything wrong. Why won’t you believe me?” He turned to her; she looked so old suddenly. He wondered when that had happened. “Mom, I’m tired, you’re tired. Let’s go inside and get some rest. We’ll have a lot of decisions to make in the morning about R—the body.”

She nodded and followed him as he made his way out of the car and into the house.

He laid on the bed, listening to the soft creak and moan of the house settling around him. It hurt not having Rick in bed with him. He missed the feel of arms wrapped around him and the sharp decadent smell of Rick after sex. He tried to ignore the small part of him that was glad that he no longer had to endure the pain of rough intercourse, the fingers that sometimes bruised, and the teeth that bit.

He curled into a ball and tried to shove aside the conflicting emotions. It was important to keep a clear head, there were too many things he had to do tomorrow: make arrangements for the body, go to the office and clean up, talk to Abby, and find out who killed Rick.

There was some comfort in the coldness that had filled him the first night Rick had taken him. Maybe if he concentrated he could call it back and it would let him sleep.

He dozed off and on all that day and that night, the monotony of it broken only by his thoughts and his mother’s concern. He was up at six the next morning, gritty eyed and just as tired as the day before. He mother was already up, cooking eggs and bacon.

“You’re up, good.” She smiled at him the way she had when Dad had died and she had been trying to reassure him. It hadn’t worked then either.

“Yes.” He sat down and she placed a plate of food down in front of him. Looking at it made him nauseous but he knew that if he was going to be able to leave the house he had better eat it.

“AJ, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.” She paused and took a deep breath. “I think we should cremate Rick’s body and forgo any ceremony. Maybe take his boat out and spread his ashes in the water.”

“What?” He stood and for a second the only sound was his chair toppling over. “Mom, he has every right to be buried with full honors.”

“Does he?” Her voice went hard suddenly, a dangerous edge to it. “He killed himself, AJ, and for the past six months he has raped you and beaten you. That doesn’t sound to me like anyone who deserves any sort of honor.”

AJ shook his head. “No, oh no, Mother, you don’t have any right to be indignant. It wasn’t you in bed with him every night. You don’t know what went on in that bedroom. You don’t know. My God, he was your son. How could you be so cold? Don’t you care at all?”

She slapped him hard across the face. It seemed to take a moment for her action to register, then a look of horror filled her eyes and she clapped her hands over her mouth. “Oh, AJ, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

He turned away from her. It’s all right, he thought, Rick always said I deserved it, maybe I do. But he couldn’t very well say that could he. “It’s all right. Do whatever you feel is necessary with the body. I don’t care. I have things to do today.”

The first order of business on his list was Abby. It had been rude of him to walk out on her like that; she had only been doing her job. And she was a good cop; Rick had liked her, despite her reluctance to break the rules. He had liked her too, still did. There had been a time when he thought their mutual attraction might take them somewhere. But that was a long time ago.

Maybe that would help him now in gaining her assistance. Rick had always told him he could charm the last bottle of tequila from a drunk. It’s those baby blues of yours, kid, he’d say, there’s an innocence to ‘em, even when you’re lying.

The walk through the precinct was no easier that it had been the other day. Instead of silence, whispers followed him, but he ignored them just as he had ignored the averted eyes. Let them think what they wanted to, none of them had ever mattered before.

He knocked on Abby’s door, a muffled ‘yes’ telling him that he could enter. “Abby, hello.” He smiled at her, marveling at how fake it felt on his face.

“AJ, hi, I didn’t expect to see you here.” There was a tightness to her mouth when she smiled and her eyes seemed unable to meet his.

“I thought you still needed to speak with me?”

“No, your mother didn’t tell you? We made this case a priority. Your fingerprints weren’t on the gun and the coroner confirmed that the wound was consistent with a suicide.”

“But it wasn’t a suicide, Abby. Someone made Rick killed himself.”

“AJ.” She sighed. “I know that’s what you want to think but you have no evidence of that.”

“Come on, Abby, you know Rick, he would never kill himself. That isn’t his style.” He put his hands on her desk. His heart was beating frantically, knowing that he needed Abby’s help.

“I thought I knew Rick.” She ran her hands through her hair. “You could have come to me, you know. I would have helped you.”

“This isn’t about me, this is about Rick. Abby, the other night, when Rick had that gun … when he had that gun in his mouth.” His voice broke, and he could feel the tears flooding his eyes. “He told me, he said that he couldn’t hurt me anymore. That it was the only way to keep me from getting hurt. That-that- Abby, you have to help me. Please.” AJ rubbed his eyes.

“I’d like to, but, AJ, your brother was a sick man. You have to accept that.” She stood and moved to place a hand on his shoulder.

He jerked away. “I don’t have to accept anything. I’ll be at office if you change your mind. I can go into my office?”

Abby nodded. “I won’t reconsider. And AJ, I had forensics clean—the mess.”

He wanted to laugh at that, ‘the mess.’ Why didn’t she just say it, I had forensics clean up your brother’s brains from the walls and carpet. He didn’t say thank you. He felt a twinge of guilt at the lapse of bad manners. But why should he be courteous when she wouldn’t help him? Oh, he knew it was a childish sentiment, but he wasn’t feeling particularly adult. All he really wanted to do was curl into a ball and cry until that terrible weight in his stomach went away.

He didn’t expect it to be easy walking into Simon & Simon Investigations but coming into the office felt right. He half expected Rick to be there on the couch watching some inane soap opera. Forensics had done a thorough job; no one would every suspect that someone killed himself in this room.

He sat at his desk and an overwhelming sense of helplessness engulfed him. There was nothing to do; no bills to pay, no paperwork to be done, and no one, absolutely no one, trying to convince him he needed a day off.

Rick, he thought, Rick. If he could just find some definite clue, a name or a place that Rick might have mentioned in the past six months that would give him a direction. All he had to do was think, focus and think. Maybe Rick had said something that first month they were alone together. He leaned back in his chair and tried to remember.

**********

When he came to he was naked, lying handcuffed to a bed, arms above his head, and legs outspread. He looked about as best he could and realized he was not in his bedroom. He was in a rustic looking cabin with a kitchen in one corner, in another a fireplace. The only furniture he could see other than the bed was a wicker chair.

At that moment the door opened and Rick came in. “Good, you’re awake.”

AJ fought down a moment of panic. “Where are we,” he asked through clenched teeth.

Rick sat on the bed and stared at AJ’s bound hands. He touched them gently. “We’re somewhere that no one’ll find us.”

“Mom—”

“Mom thinks we’re undercover on a new job. We’ll be gone a month at least. I promised I’d call her.”

“She’ll wonder why I never call, why it’s only you.”

“You’ll be deeper undercover than I am.” Rick smiled.

“She won’t believe that.” He tugged on the cuffs.

“Why would I lie?”

He opened his mouth but could think of no reply. “I hate you.”

“I know.” Rick glanced away, then reached into his pocked and produced another syringe.

AJ struggled against his bonds, feeling the metal rip into his skin and blood trickle down his wrists. “Don’t Rick. Damn it, I’m your brother. What are you going to do, make me a drug addict so you can control me more easily?”

Rick touched his cheek then plunged the needle into his arm. “You need this, AJ, no matter what you might think, you need this.”

The reaction was almost immediate. It was as if someone had detached his mind from his body. He could think clearly, was aware of his surroundings, could even feel the pain of his wounds. But he could not force his body to act. He was paralyzed.

He watched as Rick unlocked the cuffs, he watched as Rick tended to the wounds on his wrists, then he watched as Rick undressed and straddled him.

“I’ll make this good for you, AJ. You and me, we’ll put on a good show.”

His body reacted powerfully to the stimuli of Rick’s mouth and hands even as his mind screamed in protest. It seemed that Rick used him for hours, pulling pleasure from his body with a methodical intensity.

**********

He got up from his desk and stood where he had the other night. Blood and gore flashed before his eyes.

**********

It was like that night after night, Rick using him until they were both exhausted. Sometimes he used the drug, but normally he kept him chained, raping him that way, taking enjoyment from the struggling and the cursing. He would beat AJ then, until the pain became too much and he just lay there allowing the degradation.

He learned early on that it hurt less when he didn’t struggle, that Rick would be gentle with him if he was still and made all the proper responses. He hated himself more when he acquiesced, but it was so difficult to hurt all the time. He had grown so tired and Rick acted more like himself if he cooperated.

AJ’s body learned to respond to Rick, to protect itself with desire.

***********

He closed his eyes against the phantom stain and remembered the image of a gun, metal catching moonlight.

Head exploding.

Blood and gore.

Why did you ruin everything? Didn’t you love me?

The gun…

**********

Rick had brought his gun with him. Sometimes he forced AJ to take him into his mouth, other times he'd press it against his forehead. And as Rick came he would pull the trigger. Even knowing that it was not loaded, he flinched, fear making his heart skip and his mouth still. Afterwards, Rick would reload it and put it on the kitchen counter.

**********

Remember.

**********

After one of their sessions, Rick stumbled outside, for some fresh air, he said. AJ laid on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, his body aching. He turned over onto his side and brought his knees to his chest. It was then that he realized that Rick had left him unchained. He moved slowly to his feet, picked up the gun, and waited.

Rick came in after a few moments and after a cursory glance at him and the gun, turned away. It was such a dismissing gesture that he almost dropped the weapon. But instead, his hands shaking, he pointed the gun at his brother.

Rick looked at him, blinked, and began moving toward him. AJ found himself retreating. He flinched when his back met the wall.

“Don’t come any closer. Don’t, don’t or…” His breath was coming so hard, so fast, that he couldn’t finish speaking.

Rick stopped and smiled. “Or what, you’ll shoot me? Could you do that, AJ, kill me? What will you tell Mom, or the cops?”

“The truth.” His hands were trembling, trembling so badly. He tried to make them stop but it only made things worse.

“The truth?” Rick began to slowly move forward again. “You mean, how I fucked you? How I came in that tight little ass of yours. Will you tell then how you came, too? All those times you came, those times you enjoyed it.”

“Shut UP!” He pulled back the hammer.

Rick was standing close now, so close that the muzzle pressed against his chest. “Then shoot me, AJ. Go on, shoot me or I’m gonna fuck you.”

He gave a choked cry and pulled the trigger. There was the snap of an empty chamber. He began to sob in disappointment and relief, his hands dropping to his sides. He felt nauseous and tired from all the conflicting emotions inside of him. He thought, this is what an animal caught in a trap must feel like but I don’t know if I have the strength to lose a part of myself by pulling free.

Rick took the gun from him and put it back on the counter. “Do you think I’m some kind of moron?” Rick backhanded him and, when he fell, kicked him in the stomach. Then he grabbed him by the hair and tossed him on the bed. He yanked his foot and shackled it. “You idiot, you stupid son of a-- Why did you have to ruin everything? Don’t I take care of you? Don’t I feed you? Damn it, AJ. I should leave you here.” He raised his fist again and then stopped, a look of surprise on his face. “I—I’m going out.”

He hugged his aching stomach and watched Rick walk out.

He lay back on the bed for a long time thinking of nothing in particular. It was nice having time to himself. Rick was always within speaking distance if not in view. He never had time to think about anything. Rick was always touching, speaking to him.

This is what you need, AJ, what you deserve, AJ. You’re so beautiful, kid, I love you.

And he always said I love you, too, Rick. It was a lie, but it was the truth too. He couldn’t not say it because if he didn’t ,Rick would always get this hurt look in his eyes. The last time he remembered seeing that look was when they had found out what happened to their father.

But he was alone now and he didn’t have to say those confusing words, to feel those confusing touches. So confusing because sometimes he forgot he was supposed to hate them, he forgot he wasn’t supposed to want them. That’s why he took the gun; he just wanted to end it, the pain, but mostly the confusion.

He wasn’t supposed to want Rick. He didn’t want Rick, but sometimes the kiss was so sweet and soft, or he smiled, and AJ melted inside for a little while. There was no confusion then just Rick and him together as always.

It was wrong, but he couldn’t remember why.

 

Dad always said, listen to your big brother, AJ, he loves you.

What about now, was he supposed to listen to him now?

AJ sat up and looked out the window. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. He blinked, surprised to note that the sun was beginning to set. Rick was never this long.

“Rick? Rick?” The sound of his voice reverberated through the darkening room. But Rick didn’t reply and he didn’t appear.

His heart sped up and the sound of his breathing filled the cabin. He sat on the edge of the bed and dropped his head between his knees to calm himself. He was being silly; Rick would be home soon. It was ridiculous. He should be glad Rick was gone.

But he was chained to the bed with no food or water and no one knew where he was.

Better death than what he’d had to endure these past few weeks.

What if Rick was dead? He didn’t want Rick dead. Oh God, why did he pull the gun on Rick?

He grabbed the manacle around his foot and pulled. It was on too tight. He didn’t want to die. Where was Rick? Why didn’t Rick come back?

He was hysterical, he knew he was hysterical, but he didn’t know how to stop it. This had happened to him once before when he thought he was going to die. He couldn’t help it then either.

AJ began to hyperventilate, his body shaking so hard he was almost convulsing. He screamed Rick’s name over and over, trying to pull his foot from the shackle. It hurt, it hurt and he didn’t care. He screamed until his throat was raw and then he pulled until his foot was a bloody mess.

It was worse when darkness settled.

When the sun came up his voice was a whisper and he was dizzy from the pain. He didn’t care, he didn’t care about the blood, or dizziness, or the pain. All he cared about was Rick coming back. Rick wasn’t going to come back.

It was mid-morning when Rick came in carrying groceries.

“Rick,” he whispered, “Rick.”

“My God, AJ, what the hell happened?” Rick dropped the bags and strode over to the bed. He unlocked his foot and tried to examine the wound.

AJ wouldn’t let him. He grabbed his brother by his arms and shook him. “Where the hell have you been? I thought you were dead. I thought you weren’t coming back. Why were you gone so long, Rick, why?”

He was babbling, his hysteria once again reaching a fevered pitch. He didn’t try to fight it because Rick was alive and not dead somewhere.

Rick pulled him into an embrace. “Easy, kid, easy. The road got blocked; I couldn’t get through before this morning. It’s all right, I’m alive and I won’t leave you.”

“I’m sorry, Rick, I’ll never do that again. I swear I’ll never do that again. Don’t leave me, please don’t ever leave me.”

Rick stroked his hair and rocked him. “Shh. I love you, I love you. You love me, too, don’t you, AJ? You’ll do anything for me, won’t you?”

“I love you, Rick, I’ll do anything for you, just don’t leave me again.” He had never felt so relieved in his life.

**********

He was dwelling on things again, allowing the images of submission and violence to distract him from his objectives. To be honest there was a part of him that did not want to investigate. It was a small part that was afraid there would be nothing to find, that Rick had done what he had from emotional distress, or worse, pure maliciousness. But no, he couldn't let that doubt win. His mother and Abby had tried to persuade him that Rick was the bad guy. They didn't understand, couldn't realize, the only thing keeping him sane was this unsubstantiated other, this shadow blackmailer. To believe that his brother, who had loved him and cared for him would...

No, no, no! He had to think of this as any other case. If it were someone else, what would he do? He would talk to the friends and family of the deceased to see if there were any enemies, to find out if the person was acting strangely. He would also need phone records to check for any strange incoming or outgoing calls. Then he would need to check the boat for any suspicious papers. So that is what he would do, treat himself as if he were a client and do the things he was trained to do.

Looking through Rick's belongings was not an easy thing. There were memories in the clothing that he wore, in the pictures that graced the walls. Perhaps if Rick had been a tad cleaner he might have found something right away but he had always been a slob. There were only good memories here, of them talking, drinking, laughing. Never in the past six months had Rick ever tried anything in the boat.

He walked over to the bedroom and looked about helplessly. There was nothing here; nothing to help him prove what he hoped was true. What he knew was true. He picked up Rick's favorite gray shirt; it still smelled like his cologne.

Oh God, what was he doing here? This was a mistake, why couldn't he accept that Rick had raped him, purposely, happily. He had enjoyed every bruise, every forced kiss. AJ collapsed to his knees, cradling Rick's shirt against him. He would not fall apart now, not when he needed so desperately to keep calm.

"Rick, Rick, damn it why didn't you leave some clue." His voice wavered and he could feel the tears burning in his eyes. No, he wouldn't cry, couldn't, not when there was so much to be done. AJ took a few deep breaths and rubbed his eyes. He just needed to rest, maybe with a few hours sleep he could find something that would help.

AJ crawled into the bed and closed his eyes. Rick's scent enveloped him in a warm embrace and for a moment he pretended that he was four and that he was waiting for Rick to come home from school.

AJ was pulled from sleep by the insistent ringing of Rick's phone. He sat up and bleary-eyed glanced at the clock. He had been asleep for two and a half hours.

He picked up the phone. "Hello."

"AJ Simon?"

"Yes, this is he," he said, warily. The voice didn't sound familiar. As a matter of fact, it didn't sound human. Whoever it was, was using a voice synthesizer.

There was a chuckle. "Didn't get enough of your brother when he was alive so you have to sleep in his bed now that he's gone."

"Who is this?" His hand tightened on the phone.

"What was it like, watching you're brother blow his brains out? Are you glad or are missing the fucking he would've given you if he were alive. Boy, did you beg that first night he raped you. But don't worry, kid, maybe I'll come over and make you feel better."

"Who is this? How did you--" He stopped and looked around fearfully. How did they know?

"Find out, I'll be waiting if you can."

AJ could feel his pulse racing in his throat and his body broke out in a terrible sweat. He was so terrified that it took him a moment to realize that the person on the other side of the line had hung up. He dropped the phone and curled himself into a ball.

It was how his mother found him a few hours later.

"AJ, oh ,honey, I've been looking for you everywhere." She rushed to him, holding him and stroking his hair.

"Mom, he said he'd come, he said he'd hurt me." His words came in choked gasps.

"He's dead ,AJ, he can't hurt you anymore."

He shoved away from his mother. "Not Rick, the person on the phone. Somebody called, somebody knows." It dawned on him suddenly. "Somebody knows. Mom, somebody knows."

"AJ, it was a prank." She spoke quietly, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"No, no, he knew I was asleep on his bed, he knew about Rick raping me. Mom ,the person on the phone called me kid. Only Rick ever calls me kid."

"AJ, it was a prank, a cruel prank."

"You think I'm crazy." He stood up. "You think I'm making it up or overreacting."

"I think you've been through a traumatic experience, I understand." She began to cry. "Talk to me."

"You have to believe me, Mom, you have to." He shook his head. "I have to believe this isn't a joke, that for some reason Rick was forced into it. Don't you understand, it's the only thing keeping me glued together. Now either you are going to help me, or you are going to get the hell out of my way. Because one way or another I'm going to find out what happened and no one is going to stop me. Not you, not Abby, no one."

She walked over to him and cradled his face in her hands. "I already lost one son this week, I'll be damned if I lose another one. I love you, AJ, but I'm not going to let you drive yourself crazy. Rick hurt you, all by himself, no excuses."

 

"No." He backed away till he came to the wall.

"Yes. Rick raped you, he beat you, and he made you think that you deserved it."

"No, no, no." AJ put his hands over his ears.

She grabbed them and forced them away. "Yes. It is not your fault; it's Rick's. Say it."

"It's not my fault." His voice broke. "But it's not Rick's fault either." He pushed her aside and ran for the door. He was dazed, frantic, as he made his way off the boat. There was so much emotion boiling inside of him that he thought he would burst and so he ran. How long and how far, he didn't know but his legs gave out far sooner than the emotions did. He didn't believe a word of what his mother said about Rick. She was wrong, the phone call proved it. All he had to do was find out who made the call and he would find out who killed Rick.

He was cold; he couldn't understand why he was so cold. Night was coming so maybe it was the breezes from the ocean. He was tired, tired and shivering and afraid. Angry. Why couldn't he be dead inside? Why did he feel like someone keep rubbing salt into a particularly deep wound.

AJ knew that he should head back to the boat before his mother came looking for him. It wasn't right to force her out in such weather. She thought she was doing what was best, trying to protect him because she hadn't before. But he was a grown man for crying out loud; he was supposed to be able to take care of himself.

But you never really did, did you, AJ? No that was what big brother was for, that's how he got to you, made you weak. Was it for your own good, AJ, the fucking, the humiliation?

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" He clenched his teeth together until his jaw ached. He took a few deep breaths, ignoring the voices inside his head, and got to his feet.

The walk back to the boat took longer than he expected but she was still there. She looked out across the water, the wind blowing her hair into her face. He stood next to her, his arm brushing her’s.

"I don't know how we're going to manage this. I feel like everything I've ever believed is a lie." She sounded so tiny and frail.

"I know the feeling. Mom, you have to trust me, you have to trust my instincts."

"I remember when your father and I brought you home from the hospital. Rick was so excited. We tried telling him that you wouldn't be able to do much except eat and cry but he didn't care. And when he saw you, you became the most important thing in his life." She began to sob. "I always thought he would do anything for you."

"He did." AJ reached out and brought her close. "All I had to do was ask."

“Then wh,y AJ, why?"

He laid his cheek against her hair. "That's what I'm going to find out. But I need you to believe me, Mom, to believe in Rick. You have to do that for me or I won't make it."

"I'm trying, but it's so hard. Harder than anything I've ever done in my life."

"Just remember the look on his face when you brought me home from the hospital. Believe that your son wouldn't hurt his brother without some cause, some very good reason."

He felt her nod against him. "What is the first thing that you are going to do?"

"The phone call. I need to find out who called. As far as I know, the only people who know about what Rick did to me are the doctor at the hospital and the police." He kissed her forehead. "Then, I need to go through our case files again. It wouldn't be the first time one of our old cases came back to haunt us."

"What can I do to help?" She pulled away and looked up at him. He could see that the steel determination was back in her eyes.

"First things first. You need to worry about the funeral, call the relatives, take care of the arrangements. I won't be much help. The investigation will probably take most of my time. Will that be okay with you?"

She sighed. "It'll have to be, won't it? You do what you need to do. I could never stop either of you when you made up your minds. You need this, and maybe I do too. I just hope that knowing isn't worse than not knowing."

AJ shook his head. "Trust me when I say that not knowing would be the worse thing in the world. I'd always wonder, and so would you."

"You're right, I know you're right. But it doesn't make it easier." She wrapped her arms about herself.

He looked out onto the water. "Nothing will ever be easy again."

She touched his arm. "Let's go inside, I'm cold. We'll pack up some of your brother's things and go home."

"Yes, all right." He followed his mother inside trying desperately not to feel.

Abby was waiting for them when they got to his house later that evening.

“I’ve been trying to get a hold of the two of you all afternoon. Where have you been?”

AJ let them into the house. “We were at Rick’s boat packing up some of his things. What’s wrong?”

“There was a fire at the morgue. The lab was destroyed, including—including several bodies.”

 

His mother grabbed him by the arm as he sat heavily on the couch. “How the hell did that happen? Was Rick, was his body one of the one’s…”

“Cecilia, AJ, I’m sorry. We think it was arson but it’s too soon to tell. We can’t find your brother’s body. Several of the bodies are missing.”

“Missing? Well isn’t that ironic. What about the paperwork, is that missing too?” AJ stood, glaring at her.

“Destroyed in the fire.”

He laughed. “But you still don’t believe that there is more to Rick’s case than a suicide, do you?”

“AJ, I need facts and right now, we don’t have anything.”

“What is it going to take for you to believe me?” And in a sweeping gesture he shoved a small lamp from the end table onto the floor.

His mother made a small sound and Abby stared at him.

He buried his face in his hands. “I’m sorry. I don’t know—I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right, honey.” His mother hugged him tightly.

“Abby, you know there’s more to this. You‘re too good of a cop not to.” AJ pressed his cheek to his mother’s hair.

“Maybe.” She sighed. “I don’t know, AJ, I’m too close to this case. I don’t know what might be true and what is wishful thinking. As much as we fought, I respected your brother, he was a friend. And I don’t know, AJ, I just don’t know.”

“Help me, Abby, please help me.”

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she looked at him her eyes were shiny. “What do you need?”

“Phone records for the last six months. Not only for my apartment, but Rick’s boat, and the office too. You can get them more quickly than I can. I have a feeling that time is not on my side.”

“I’ll do what I can. I have to get back to the precinct, it’s a mess down there.” She headed for the door but before leaving paused. “I have a friend, a counselor, she’s helped a lot of rape victims, a lot of victims of domestic abuse. Her name’s Dr. Rachel Morgan. I think it might help if you talked to her, to someone.”

“I can’t, not now, not until I have the truth. Not until what I know in my heart and what I know in my head can be reconciled.”

“I understand.” Abby nodded and then left.

“It’s getting late. You should probably go, too, Mom.”

“AJ— ”

“No, Mom, I’m fine. I need to be alone for a while. Besides, I’m just going to clean up and go to bed. I promise, I’m too tired for anything else.”

She touched his cheek. “If you’re sure. I love you, AJ.”

“I love you, too, Mom.”

When she finally left it was like a weight had been lifted from him. He didn’t have to act as if everything was all right when no one was around. He didn’t have to pretend. He bent down to pick up the pieces of broken glass and ceramic from the floor, that was when he noticed it. A listening device, someone had bugged him.

You and me, we’ll put on a good show. How many times had Rick said that to him, put on a good show AJ, let’s make everyone happy. It had confused him before but how else would they know if he wasn’t bugged.

AJ, palmed the bug and inconspicuously slipped it into his pants pocket. He felt his flesh crawl as he cleaned up the mess from the lamp. One thing kept running through his head: if the house was wired for sound, were there cameras also?

It was easy, too easy, and that worried him. There was only one company in the West Coast that sold surveillance equipment of such excellent caliber. When he asked if he could see the customer list for the last year he expected to be refused. Instead it was a generous, of course, Mr. Simon, we would be glad to give you a copy.

Too easy.

 

”What did you find, Abby?”

She tossed a stack of papers at him. “The number of phone calls the two of you made dropped considerable in the past six months. And you call your mother way too much.”

He smiled. “Is that all?”

“No, the only consistent number, other than your mom, is this one. It’s a cell phone registered to a business, Martin Subsidiaries.”

“Well, isn’t that interesting. It seems that a Ms. Joan Smith bought surveillance equipment from Security Plus for a Martin Subsidiaries.”

“Surveillance equipment?”

He dropped the bug on her desk. “I found this last night. I’m pretty sure I’m bugged for video, too.”

“I’ll get a forensics team over to your house and—”

“No, it might scare her off.”

“Then what?”

“It has to be an old case. It’s too elaborate for anything else. Maybe if you could send a sketch artist over to Security Plus and have a composite done?”

“All right, who would we have to talk to?”

“Lyle Kenwood. Thank you, Abby.” He made to leave.

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m meeting with Carlos tonight?”

“Carlos?”

He nodded. “One of Rick’s old friends.”

“Oh. AJ?” Abby looked down at her desk then up at him. “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.”

“You don’t have anything to apologize for, I wasn’t even sure I believed myself.”

“Are you okay?”

“I don’t know whether to be glad or frightened.” He took a deep breath. “It’s funny but instead of answers all I’m getting are more questions.”

“We’ll get to the bottom of this, AJ, I promise.”

“Yes, we will.” He stopped. “Abby, find out who owns Martin Subsidiaries.”

The bar was exactly the type that Rick loved, dark and seedy and on the wrong side of town. No wonder he and Carlos had hit it off so well. He made his way through the smoky room, his shoes sticking to the floor. He sat at a table, his eyes scanning the crowd. A waitress made her way to him, a pretty brunette with a skirt that was too short.

“Hi.” She smiled widely. “What can I get for you tonight?”

He looked down and away. “A beer’s fine.”

“You sure that’s all?” Her voice went deeper and she reached out, fingers stroking his hair.

His reaction was immediate; he stood up, shoving her hand away. “Don’t touch me.”

She backed away, eyes going wide. “Hey, sorry.” Then she walked away and muttered under her breath, “Freak.”

He sat down again and closed his eyes. What was wrong with him? Oh God, why couldn’t he react normally? He didn’t have to worry about punishment anymore, he didn’t have to worry that Rick would be angry.

*****

He had flirted, she had flirted, and he should have known there would be hell to pay when they got home.

Rick shoved him up against the wall. “Did you like flirting with that waitress? Huh, did you want to fuck her?”

“No, Rick, no.” He grabbed his wrists gently. “I love you, only you. I wasn’t flirting, I swear.”

Rick pressed his body against him. “I don’t believe you. Why won’t you learn, AJ, you’re mine and only mine?”

“I do know.” AJ slid his arms about Rick’s waist. “Come on, Rick, don’t be mad. I wasn’t flirting with her.”

“Prove it.”

He brushed his lips to Rick’s mouth, his heart pounding in his chest. It was going to hurt tonight; it always did when his brother got jealous. “I love you,” he said again, and slid to his knees.

*****

“AJ, my friend, how’s it going?”

He opened his eyes and stared at the man who had been his brother’s long time friend. “Carlos. I’m as good as can be expected.”

Carlos nodded and sat down. “I’m sorry about, Rick. He was a good friend. It’s hard to believe…Rick never seemed like the type who would commit suicide.”

“Yes, I know. Carlos, how did Rick seem to you these past couple of months? Did he speak to you about any problems? Anything that might be suspicious?”

“He seemed worried lately, not his usual carefree self. He even backed out of our annual snake-gathering trip. He was afraid, I think.”

“Of what?” The words came out a whisper.

“I asked, but Rick wouldn’t say.” He shrugged.

“There was nothing?” AJ bit his bottom lip gently.

Carlos thought quietly for a moment then something seemed to light in his eyes. “We got drunk, he started saying how he was hurting you and how sorry he was. He told me that if anything happened to him that I was to tell you that he loved you and that he didn’t mean it. Then he mentioned something about rich boyfriends and drugstores. But by then he was so drunk that I didn’t know what he meant.”

“Drugstore? Drugstore.” Then it hit him, Cathy Belmont. “Carlos, thank you. I have to leave. You don’t know how much this means to me.” He took out his wallet and pulled out a twenty. “Have a beer, hell, have five.”

When he got to his car his hands were shaking. He sat there a few minutes until he was sure he could drive without getting into an accident. He had to see Abby.

“Cathy Belmont and James Kellerman.” AJ picked up the sketch from Abby’s desk. “It was one of the first cases Rick and I took on after opening Simon & Simon Investigations.”

“Wait, I think I read about this case. A couple of rich kids, right? The papers dubbed them the modern day Bonnie and Clyde.”

“Yes. They went on a crime spree, robbing drugstores mostly. Rick and I were hired by one of the victims to bring them in.”

“What happened?”

“There was no discernable pattern to their crimes.” He shrugged. “The police were having problems catching them. We were having problems catching them. Unlike the police, Rick and I got lucky. We were doing surveillance on another one of our cases, a divorce. The usual tail to take a few pictures of a husband cheating on his wife. The couple decided they needed a few things for their tryst. Who do you think walks into the store while Rick and I are waiting outside? Cathy and James. It was one of the biggest screw ups in our professional career.”

“How bad?”

“We went through the back, they had the front covered. They were amateurs and we bungled it. They had the hostages lined up on the floor. We thought that if we surprised them that they would give up. Just a couple of kids, we thought, scare them and they’d give up. Rick hid in one of the aisles and I came out gun blazing. Kellerman just laughed. He pointed his gun at the manager and shot him in the head. He didn’t even hesitate. Neither did I.”

“You killed him.”

“I killed him. It was the first time I ever shot anyone and I killed him. Cathy blamed us. She blamed me. Her lawyer got her off on a light sentence, built her up as an innocent led astray by a monster. They gave her four years in a minimum security prison.”

“So she sets this up as an elaborate plan for revenge.”

“She has the means. Her father was one of the richest men on the West Coast, when he died everything went to her. And she certainly has the motive.”

“AJ, even if she was here, she’s probably long gone by now.”

“She’s waiting for me. It’s not enough that she hurt me, that Rick’s dead. I killed James and she has to kill me.”

“You’re reaching.”

“No, Abby, I’m not. She knows I’ll come to her for the answers, that I won’t stop until I know. Now that Rick is gone, she’s the only one who can tell me the truth.”

“AJ…”

“Who owns Martin Subsidiaries, Abby?”

“It’s hidden underneath a ton of paperwork…”

“But you know who owns it.”

She sighed in frustration. “It’s owned by another company…Belmont Enterprises.”

AJ smiled. “They had a hideout near the docks, an empty warehouse. That’s where she’ll be.”

“You don’t know that.”

“It’s the only place I know about. I’ll go and she’ll try to kill me, but not before she tells me the truth, not before she tells me about Rick. Abby, if I’m wrong I’ll go see your friend, I’ll go see anyone you want. But if I’m right, if I’m right, then this is the only chance I’ll have.”

He rubbed his hands against his pants, wiping away the sweat, and adjusted his jacket to better hide his gun. If it was her he would kill her, put the gun in her mouth, and like Rick, pull the trigger.

He hoped it was her; dear God, let it be her.

From his jacket pocket he pulled out Rick’s gun and went through the side entrance. The warehouse was almost pitch black and deadly quiet. He swallowed, trying to get moisture into his mouth, and wished he could hear something besides the beating of his own heart. He inched along carefully, staying close to the walls.

It was too quiet. His whole body tensed, he knew it was a trap. But he also knew that he would gladly die to find the truth.

He heard the click of a gun then laughter. “Rick said you were smart. It’s about time you got here.”

Light flooded into his face and he averted his eyes. “I’ve been slightly off my game.”

“Drop your gun. Drop it or I shoot you.”

He placed the gun on the ground.

“Now kick it over towards the light.”

He did. “What kind of game are you playing, Cathy?”

“The kind where I win.” The light faded a bit so that he could see her comfortably. “You killed Jimmy. We were just having some fun and you killed him.”

“I had no choice.” His eyes adjusted to the dark and he got a good look at her. What he saw was a sociopath staring at him with cold eyes. Two men dressed in black carrying weapons flanked her. In front of her was a table with a television set. “He would have killed more people.”

“You could have let us go. But you didn’t.” Her hands caressed the TV in front of her. “So you had to be punished.”

“And you got Rick to punish me?”

“Yes.”

“How did you get Rick to do it?”

“It wasn’t that difficult really. Together you’re the best, but apart you’re only good. My associates kidnapped him and I explained to him what I’m capable of.”

“And what are you capable of exactly?”

“Did you know that my daddy owned a research facility? They’re contracted by the government to create certain chemicals to be used for warfare. They created this lovely little neurotoxin. At first it mimics the symptoms of the flu, but without the antidote…” She shook her head. “Convulsions, internal bleeding, death.”

“You told him that you exposed me to the neurotoxin.”

“I did expose you to the neurotoxin. It’s surprising what a teenager will do for a hundred dollars. You know, fast food will kill you. Oh Rick, didn’t believe me at first but then I showed him how I did it. They build surveillance equipment so small these days. You can put them anywhere and they won’t be detected. I videotaped the whole episode for the express purpose of showing him. You did get very sick after Rick took you to Wonderburger, didn’t you?”

“It was food poisoning.”

“He wasn’t thoroughly convinced either until I injected several lab rats with it. It was terrible.” She sighed. “It was all true. The only thing I did lie about was the antidote. I told him that it had to be taken over a period of months. The idiot believed me. Imagine that, you were cured after the first injection and he didn’t even know.”

“You blackmailed him.” He felt himself go weak with relief.

“Just because I blackmailed him doesn’t mean he didn’t enjoy it. I wanted to die after you killed Jimmy; he was my life. But then I realized that you had to pay. I thought about killing your brother but that wouldn’t have put you in nearly enough pain. I wanted to destroy everything you loved before killing you. I used to watch you on the news, I saw how close you two were.” She turned the TV on.

The sound of moans echoed in the air as he watched Rick thrust into him, hands running over his body, his face pressed into AJ’s neck. He wanted to close his eyes against the damn scene, his hand flexed, itching for the gun in his holster.

“I decided to make the two of you even closer. I told him that I wouldn’t give him the antidote unless he raped you, unless he hurt you. He begged me to spare your life, he begged me not to make him do it.” Her hand caressed the images lovingly. “He seems to be enjoying himself doesn’t he? So do you.”

“I’ll kill you.” He clenched his teeth. “You’re dead.”

“Oh, I don’t think so my dear. Not when I still have Rick.”

“Rick’s dead.” He hadn’t meant to yell it.

“Is that what you think? The actor I hired was very convincing, I was surprised to find someone so close in looks to your brother. I’m sure he was surprised to discover the bullets were real, the second he was alive to realize it that is.” She laughed again. “But not convincing enough for you. I’m astonished that the hospital never called you; the drug Rick gave you was very strong. You saw what I wanted you to see. And by the time the police got there, well, not even his mother could recognize him. Bullet wounds are so messy.”

“You’re lying.” He grabbed the gun from his holster and aimed it at her.

“No,” she said, but not to him. She glanced at the two men at her side. “Don’t, not yet. Bring him in.”

Two other men dragged in a handcuffed man. They dropped him on his knees at her feet. She cupped the man’s face and lifted it. “Say hello to your brother, Rick.”

AJ’s gun wavered. “No, Rick’s dead.”

“AJ,” Rick said. No, not Rick, Rick was dead.

“No, you’re lying.” He cocked the gun.

Cathy smiled. “Say something to convince him, Rick.”

“We were married once, to Greek stewardesses. Brown was the best man.”

“Anyone could know that.”

“Maybe, but not about the CIA involvement.”

“Rick?” His voice was shaky. “Oh God, Rick.”

“Yes,” Cathy said. Then from somewhere underneath the table, she produced a gun. She pointed it at Rick’s head. “Now put the other gun down.”

AJ looked into Rick’s eyes and knew what he had to do. Rick smiled at him sadly and he smiled back. If they were going to die, and they surely were, they would take with them as many of the enemy as they could.

Rick nodded imperceptibly. AJ swung the gun towards one of the gunmen and fired. At that moment Rick took advantage of the distraction and rocked backward, shoving Cathy with his body. It was at that moment that all hell broke loose. Abby and the cavalry chose that moment to raid the warehouse and start shooting.

When it was over, when it was finally over, the only wound he had sustained was a crease in his shoulder. The gunmen were all dead and Cathy was being wheeled out by paramedics. They assured him that she was not expected to live.

AJ walked over to Rick who was sprawled out on the ground, rubbing his freed wrists. He knelt beside his brother. “How are you feeling, Rick?”

He shrugged. “I’ve seen better days. You?”

“Me, too. Mom will be glad to see you alive.”

Rick looked at him. “What about you, AJ? Are you glad to see me alive?”

“How can you say that?” His voice shook. “You know I am. I thought you were dead, Rick. I saw you die.” He slipped into Rick’s arms, holding him tightly, crying.

Rick rocked him, stroking his hair, and crooning softly.

They stayed that way until Abby came over. “Rick, we’re going to have to take you in now.”

“Take me in?” Rick shook his head. “I don’t understand.”

“We found a room in the back, it was playing videos… You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.” She pulled him to his feet.

“What are you doing? What videos?” AJ jumped to his feet. “You can’t do this. What are you charging him with?”

“Sexual assault, kidnapping, sodomy, and a few others I can’t think of offhand.”

“No.”

Rick put a hand on his chest. “It’s all right, AJ. Cathy taped everything. She kept me in a locked room and made me watch the tapes she made. It’ll be all right.”

“No, no, this isn’t right. You heard everything she said to me, it was blackmail, Abby. You can’t arrest him, I won’t let you. I’ll say it was consensual if you even try.”

“He raped you, AJ.” She ran a frustrated hand through her hair. “Damn it, he deserves—”

“It was consensual.” Then before Rick could open his mouth to say otherwise he glared at him. “Keep your mouth shut, Rick.”

Rick looked down at the ground, lips pressed together, silent.

“Fine.” Abby shook her head. “I still need to you at the precinct for your statement, both of you.”

They were still gentle with him during the questioning, talking to him slowly, giving him “as much time as he needed” to answer. He wanted to tell them he might have had a bad couple of months but he hadn’t lost his capacity to think.

The police were giving Rick a difficult time of it. AJ and Abby watched through the one-way mirror as he was interrogated.

“Where did Cathy keep you these past few days?”

“Couldn’t you escape?”

“Did she keep you handcuffed?”

“How much did you know of her plans?”

“How could you not know the antidote hadn’t worked?”

He watched Rick visibly struggling to stay calm, telling them what he knew in an even voice. But after repeating his story for the third time AJ knew he was at the end of his rope.

“I think that’s enough, Abby. He’s repeating himself now.”

“We need to get this information.”

“He’s been in there for three hours, there’s nothing else to tell. Let him go before he hurts one of them.”

“Like he hurt you?”

AJ looked away. “A few days ago I thought I saw him commit suicide. But now I have my brother back. How do you want me to react?”

“I want you to be angry. I would be.”

“I’m too tired to be angry. I just want to go home and pretend for a little while that none this has happened.”

Abby started at him for a moment or two then nodded. “If we have any more questions we’ll give him a call.”

He waited for Rick outside in the hall and they walked out into the booking area. Their mother was waiting for them, pale and shaking. She gave him a hug and kissed his temple lightly.

She was not as happy to see Rick as he expected. She had looked up at her eldest child and slapped him. Rick didn’t look surprised.

“Jack would be so ashamed.”

“Mom.” Rick reached out a hand.

She stared at him in disgust. “Rick is dead. He died six months ago.” Then she walked out.

He stared after her and said nothing.

AJ touched his brother’s arm. “Come on, I’ll take you home.”

Rick nodded and followed him out.

They were both silent on the ride to Rick’s place and AJ couldn’t help remembering how he had been a few days ago, pained and uncommunicative. “She needs time, Rick, Mom just needs some time.”

He nodded and neither of them said anything until he pulled up to the docks. “Thanks, AJ.”

“Do you want me to come down with you?”

Rick looked at him and touched his lips gently with his fingers. Then suddenly he pulled his hand away, as if it burned. “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Before he could say anything else Rick got out of the car.

He didn’t see Rick again for another month. Not that it was his fault. Rick was never home when he called or visited. It seemed that he was avoiding everyone who had ever known him. Not that AJ had been trying excessively hard. He afraid, afraid that Rick might hurt him again, force him to do things he didn’t want to.

Dr. Morgan kept pushing him to bring Rick to his sessions. She said would help him deal with what had happened. She said that it might help Rick, too. He promised her that he would try and it surprised him to realize that he meant it. He missed Rick. Except for a few times in their lives it had always been them together, Rick and AJ, the Simon brothers.

The next day he drove over to Rick’s hoping that he could catch him, maybe drag him to lunch. Rick was inside, packing a duffle bag.

“Going somewhere?”

Rick started guiltily then looked down. “Yeah.”

“Were you going to tell me?”

“No.”

He laughed, angry all of a sudden. “Of course not. You’re running away. It’s what you do best isn’t it? When things get rough you always seem to take a vacation.”

“It’s better this way, AJ.”

“Better for whom? Me or you?” He grabbed Rick’s arm. “You bastard. You rape me, you beat me, you make me think I deserved it and now you’re running away. Lucky you. I can’t run away like you can. Every waking moment I remember what you did, every moment of every day.” Before he could think about what he was doing he launched himself at Rick, hitting him, kicking him. “You bastard, you son of a bitch. You should have told me, you should have told me. We could have thought of something. You should have told me.”

Rick curled into a ball, not fighting. “I couldn’t, AJ, I couldn’t.”

“You raped me, you raped me, you bastard. Why didn’t you tell me? I loved you, why didn’t you tell me?”

He yelled out his anger, his pain, beating Rick until he was exhausted and his hands hurt. Then he pressed his face into Rick’s shoulder, his breath coming in harsh sobs. “Why are you leaving me again? Why are you leaving?”

Rick lay stunned for a few moments before answering. “I have to, you know I have to.”

“No, I don’t know. Explain it to me, Rick. Explain why you have to leave.”

Rick shook his head. “I hated it, I hated every minute of it. That’s why I told Cathy I wouldn’t do it anymore. I told her that I’d rather you be dead than rape you again. I was losing myself in the part, AJ, and so were you. I hated when you gave into me. It was so much easier when you fought because I could remember that I was hurting you. I could remember that I was only acting. You kept giving in to me.”

“Rick…”

“No, let me finish. It’s funny isn’t it, you were the victim and I hated you. I hated raping you, but those memories are all mixed up with how much I love you, with how much I wanted to protect you. I still want you AJ, my body wants you. It remembers how it felt to have you close. Sometimes at night I miss you so bad it hurts.”

AJ's chest aches; he does, too. “It’s all right, Rick.”

“And I won’t do it, I really would rather kill myself then hurt you again.”

AJ looked up at Rick and wiped the tears from his cheeks. “You’re confused, don’t you think I’m confused, too?”

“I know that doctor’s helping you, AJ, and I’m glad. But I can’t do that, tell what I did to you to a shrink. It’s too personal, too shameful for me. I need time and so do you. We need to heal ourselves before we can start working on healing us.” He sighed. “I can’t do that here. There are too many people who know. I need to do this myself. Do you understand?”

AJ closed his eyes. “I understand. I don’t want to, but I do.”

“I’m sorry, AJ, I am.”

“I know you are.”

“I thought I was protecting you. If I thought for one minute that there was another way I would have done it. I wanted to tell you so much but they were always watching me. She told me that I had to be bugged at all times, it was part of the bargain.” Rick rubbed his eyes angrily. “She made sure that I knew how easy it was for her to get to you. It seemed like she was everywhere.”

“It really is all right.”

“No it’s not, but I hope someday we can move past it.”

“We will, Rick, we will because if we don’t she’ll win.” He touched his brother’s cheek. “Because we’re brothers. We’ve always been there for each other and we always will. Are you done packing?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll help you load the truck.”

They stood there awkwardly staring at everything but each other before AJ finally spoke. “Where will you go?”

Rick shook his head. “Mexico probably. Maybe visit some friends down there.”

“Let me know where you are or at least where you’ve been.”

“All right.” Then tentatively Rick touched him on the shoulder. “I’ll be back, kid, I promise.”

“I know.”

They hugged, stiff and uncomfortable with each other. Then Rick climbed into his truck. AJ watched him drive away, his chest aching. Rick would be back, Rick always came back, but it didn’t make it any easier. But he understood his brother’s need. Everyone had to find his own path through the darkness and into the light.


End file.
